As He Walked Away?

They say there are moments that can change your life forever but what they don’t tell is that such moments are often veiled in ambiguity of emotions and uncertainty of judgement. Fuzziness of thoughts and the understanding that your actions are remarkably significant for you is always a special mingle. Emotions should not influence vital choices in life but then why is it so that you have a spurt of emotion by the mere consideration of something important. Trying to shake off such thoughts that stir even more emotions, he stood there gazing intently in her hazel eyes in hope of discovering a refuge from his nervousness.  However, she had terminated the eye contact moments ago may be in attempt to shroud her own anxiety or was it out of shyness the fair sex is famous for?  She raised her pupil momentarily just to find that intense gaze still fixed on her; those pupils freaked out and frenzied in the sclera for few microseconds before the eyelids came to rescue as he was denied his last resort for emotional comfort. Her face remained emotionless or maybe it was too expressive for him to acknowledge her true emotions. Was she really so deceptive or he was naive.  He could never determine that for sure and certainly he couldn't ask her. He struggled to nudge away these thoughts and focus on the reality as he stood there fidgeting with the ring in his pocket. He wanted to feel that moment.

He was about to utter the words but he restrained himself as he wanted to be sure of her feelings and his own. He glanced over her face exploring the beauty that mesmerized him once. He could still find the hints of that childish innocence that lured him. The reminiscence of that day was still fresh in his memories when he accidentally ran into her. What, then, seemed to be an innocent coincidence, later appeared to be a conspired destiny. Destiny, Was It?

It was Delhi, the heart of India, where the strings two Indian hearts strangled. Why love and confusion are so closely intertwined? There first encounter was at CCD, both expecting someone else confusing them with each other. He was a fourth year college grad searching off-campus placement; she was an HR trainee on her first assignment and eventually both shared the same fate that is failure. There was nerve, anticipation, then disappointment and a lot can happen over a cup of coffee.

“Before we leave, make me laugh!” she demanded with a gleam of mischief in her eyes cloaked by innocence or was it the other way.

“Umm, I don’t know..well….” he genuinely seemed puzzled.

“What?”

“Last time I intentionally tried to make someone laugh it didn't go pretty well. The child got so scared, she cried all day.” She broke into giggle as he left with a grin to pay the bill. He didn't find his account funny but it wasn't he who had to laugh anyway.

Perplexity of the moment subsided in a few minutes, but the amity thus forged prevailed and thrived. And then things got as they say complicated, she never hinted anything or he never really got the clues right.  He was never very good at dealing with emotions; he had of course made compliments every now and then, but to praise and propose are two different things. But, isn't mystery the best part of love? You don’t know whether the person loves you, you don’t even know whether you love her. After all how do we determine it’s love; all we know is that we want something more and are willing give more. We believe it is love then make ourselves believe that other person has similar feelings. So, love is barter.

“When I first saw you, Was your smile so tender” Elvis Presley voice filled the atmosphere as he proposed her mustering every drop of courage he had, pouring every bit of emotions in those three words in attempt to make them convincing and yet when she heard them she rushed out from that party. Was it tears trickling down her eyes or it was his imagination. He stood there baffled, shattered and unshielded to inquisitive glances of others.

It was after a week’s consideration she accepted his proposal. His had several queries: Why did she rush out? If she had to accept why reject earlier? Were there tears in her eyes? But bliss at the moment effaced all the doubts he had. Joy has this curious trait; you often ignore everything else in its blaze.

Then, they started a very special journey with nothing special or new about it, just the new couple experiencing it. Sharing a dream had never been so fun, Elvis’ songs were never so meaningful, sunset was never so noticeable and star gazing was never so interesting. We all believe our love is different but isn't. Everywhere, it is the same chemical reaction and thus the same product. And thus with time, the dreams which were tangled together started to drift apart. The calls that once stretched for hours ended up in seconds with those who once forced one another to disconnect were competing to hang up first. Those skirmishes that earlier concluded with her titters now ended up in her tears.

“You, your dreams, your job, you are always so self-obsessed, when did I ever matter to you.” She started weeping. “It’s been a.. fff… wee..k you know..”

“I know, I have been .. I am  sorry!”

She had already disconnected the call. It was yesterday and he hadn't called her for a week. It was his weakness when often got over-engrossed with his job. He didn't even call his mom but how could she know that!

She was no longer the same girl she used to be 2 years ago and maybe he was not the same guy she fell for. He was guilt-stricken as he tried to assess how much he was responsible for her state. Though he himself was exhausted too, but he never really paid much heed to his emotions, he could live through anything. It was she he was worried about. Love is about sacrifice and she had sacrificed her own self. But he will make things up tonight for her. No more pain, no more worries, they’ll have a fresh start and a new journey. He clenched at the ring in his pocket as he prepared himself for it. He finally uttered the first words,” I love you. I think…” She looked up for the first time. Was that pain in her eyes? He will put her out of this agony, she will be happy again. No more tears. Love is all about sacrifice and he will make the ultimate sacrifice. He will sacrifice his love for his beloved. He struggled to nudge away these thoughts and focus on the reality. He wanted to feel that moment, the moment when he broke her heart and his own.
“I think we should break up” he completed the sentence.