Why did Mountbatten leave in a hurry?

Co-author : Tanuj Choudhary

Disclaimer: The facts used in the text are a result of exhaustive research; however, interpretation can be attributed to authors’ perverted minds. The sole objective of this article is humour and shall not be employed by the political parties for election propaganda. This article contains volatile literature and can hurt political sentiment.  Readers’ discretion is advised. 

  “If you really want a bestseller, you must exploit the plot for all sexual possibilities.”

A viceroy, his promiscuous spouse and her beloved friend (who also the leader of opposition) and a blood smeared nation at the verge of independence after 200 years of servitude; most writers shall agree that this tale offers every element that is needed for a promising story. We are not here to tarnish the name of the dead but how can you forego a sexual conspiracy in a taboo-stricken nation.

The Story:

It is a well-established fact that the British left India earlier than the predetermined time. A lot of historian believed that this scurried exit was partly responsible for communal riots and bloodshed that consumed more than half a million lives. Even the British administration has reluctantly assented to it. But, if it was so evident then why was Lord Mountbatten in such a hurry to leave India?  It must have been fear. After all so much was at stake. What would you do if you sense that your wife might get into a carnal relationship with the opposition leader who had surpassed your stature and authority? You would be scared and so was he. He was confounded with this conundrum and so he chose what seemed to be an obvious alternative for him: he sacked his business in India and eloped with his wife leaving the nation of billions to burn. Well, come on; don’t question his integrity for when your own house is on fire that cares about the flames of a neighbour-killer, wife-stealer nation.  

The Theory:

In “Daughter of Empire” Paula Mountbatten offers a description of the relationship that Nehru-Edwina shared. After the death of Kamala Nehru, JLN was lonely and in the company of Edwina he found solace. Now Pauli’s Perversion Principle (PPP) suggests that two lonely individuals cannot survive in close contact without being attracted. So there were flies and butterflies and voila they fell in love. Pamela suggests that the love that Nehru-Edwina shared was spiritual in nature and wasn't a covert sexual affair which we should assume to be true considering the high moral character of Indian politicians. But, history suggests that Edwina was somewhat dissolute and thus coitus was always on the horizon. So, even though they had not consummated till then the possibility of it was the cause of angst for Lord Mountbatten. And thus when confronted by the choice of saving one of the two failing unions he settled in the favour of the one which seemed to him more productive (reproductive).

We swear that there is little truth in this story but then we never felt that it was truth that needed to be explored but the possibility of humour that the story concealed. Life offers many alternative explanations to an event in history and you can pick anyone that satisfies your imaginations (in our case perversions). As Mark Twain stated and we quote,  

  “Never let truth stand in the way of a good story.”